12/29/17

What I Didn’t Expect the Day My Rainbow Baby Was Born

My little rainbow baby is four months old now, and I still can’t believe that God gave us this sweet, little blessing - Joyelle Moriah.

Joy – for finding happiness in the midst of a storm

Moriah – for the mountain on which Abraham was to sacrifice Isaac - because that is how I felt when we lost our third baby.

Since finding out we were expecting in January 2017, I couldn’t help but wonder when this pregnancy would end too.  It was hard to enjoy any aspect of the experience as I felt like this child would inevitably be taken away as our last baby had.  People would congratulate me on the pregnancy, but I felt as if the words passed right through me.  I would smile and thank them, but I could never feel the assurance in my heart that I would be able to hold this child on earth.  I consistently would white-knuckle the ultrasound table, and I had to remind myself to keep breathing each time the doctor used the doppler to check for the heartbeat.   I couldn’t look at the ultrasound until I saw the reaction on the technician’s face – waiting to see whether it was good or bad.  I was happy to make it to each subsequent week but constantly wondered how long until my life would be shattered again.  And then, at 34 weeks, my water broke. 

A Bible verse popped up on my phone that morning, as one does every morning.  As I was lying in the hospital terrified of what the future held, I saw that the daily verse was THE verse, the one that used to be so dear to me but instead for the past year and a half had caused me grief.  Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”  Ugh.  The weight of that verse felt heavier that day.  I quickly closed the app and put my phone away.  I did not want to think about how this situation was going to be good for me, how it would mature me, shape my faith and spiritual walk.  I felt the truth in the C.S. Lewis quote: “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” 

The next day, a new verse popped up.  It was Philippians 1:6: “being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”  I thought “Come on, God!”  This was also a heavy verse for me over the last year.  How could God start something and not finish it?  How could He make my child and then not let him or her be a part of my life?  And would He do it again?  Would I have to go through it all over again?  I knew that I will meet my children in Heaven and possibly this one too.  I knew in my mind that I had to look at my life through God’s perspective and not my shallow, blind, earthly view.  However, it still felt like salt in the wound to read this verse at such an uncertain time. 

My friend and I had just finished reading “The Problem of Pain” by C.S. Lewis.  In it, the most memorable passage for me spoke about how miracles in our earthly lives are rare.  We all expect it, but it does not happen often.  I could connect with this principle, not as a pessimist but rather as one who understood the reality of life.  I had taken off my rose-colored glasses. 

I certainly did not expect to have our daughter 5 weeks early.  After Joy was born, we found out that she almost didn’t survive.  Unbeknownst to us all, my placenta had ruptured, and the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck.  My doctor said that if she had stayed in utero until she was full term she would not have made it.  At that moment, I knew…thank you, God, for breaking my water.  We didn’t know, but God knew.  If that doesn’t give perspective and hindsight right there, I don’t know what does.  When I heard that, I knew: God had moved a mountain.  I did not expect God to move a mountain.  He certainly did not HAVE to move it.  He is never required to move our earthly mountains…answer our prayers…but He had.  I did not expect God to work in such a big earthly way for this child. 

Then I wondered: How do I reconcile why God moved in such a big way for this child but not for the last child?  Why is the baby I expected to be here…not…and the one that I did not expect to be here…here?  I could feel the happiness of having this child coupled with the heartache of not having our third child.  It was bittersweet.  And I did not expect to cry, and I did…for my baby in Heaven…for this baby…for what our family could have been…for the future…for the unknown.  I just wanted to look ahead and know that it would all be okay.        

I did not expect to finally see the “good” in Romans 8:28.  Yes, God worked in a big way to bring Joy here to us.  And I don’t want to admit it, but yes, God DID move in a big way for the baby we lost last year – although it was not how I had expected.  He moved in my spiritual life and by bringing love from family and friends – new and old.  He changed my attitude and made me realize what is truly important in life.  What I once described as “infinite sadness” God changed that day to “infinite gratefulness.”  And of course, He was there with me through every step of the journey.  I thank God for Joy.  I thank God for all of my children – on Earth and in Heaven.  I thank God for the good that came out of the bad, even when I do not want to admit it.  God didn’t have to move this mountain, but He did.  Don’t get me wrong; there is still sadness in my heart, but there is something more – there is joy.