12/2/2019 - Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

You missed one of our stockings this year, 

the one for the baby who is not here. 

There were no toys inside it, 

no joyful smiles or giggles rising up beside it, 

no memories to play over as images in my mind, 

nothing but sadness and sorrow left behind. 

This empty stocking is like the emptiness in my heart 

that began when my baby and I were torn apart.

A truck or a stuffed animal our baby would enjoy,

A precious toy for our little baby boy.

I remember him most every day.

Deep down inside I wish he could stay.

That was not my plan nor my story plot

Yet it is God’s job to make us what we are not.

Sometimes God asks us to do the hard things

So that we can find what His kingdom brings.

Suffering and hurt can send us to our knees

But our Father is the “God Who Sees.”

He sees each tear that falls from my eye,

And He is saddened too when I cry.

Yet I know that God’s Kingdom gains the glory

For I would never have chosen this story.

As we walk this long road of suffering ahead

I remember by whom I have been lead.

Yet my son does not need toys in Heaven above,

For he is surrounded by God’s infinite love.

Santa, I forgot how full his stocking already was, 

Full of hope, love, and eager expectation just because

a Savior was sent from His Father to earth 

to come into the world through His virgin birth.

We also remember Jesus’ sacrifice.

No other home for God’s children would suffice.

For a Father and Son chose to suffer alone

In order to bring all of God’s children home.

Baby Jesus was born to die on the cross

So God the Father has likewise suffered loss

In order to open the eyes of the blind

And so that everyone on earth could one day find

The peace and love that flows from the Savior

Simply because God showed us His favor.

God chose us and gave us His grace

By sending His Son to die in our place.

So if it is possible I have just one request,

Santa, go up to Heaven and send our baby the best

Of the love and care that can be provided

And someday our family will be reunited.

On that day, when I enter Heaven’s gates,

I will embrace my child and say “I’m sorry I’m late.”  

For in the fullness of time, it will not matter.

Whether you held your baby on Earth or if you were shattered.

These things will not matter, not matter much at all.

In comparison to eternity, a lifetime is quite small.

For each child on Earth, mere humans do not own.

All souls belong to the Almighty God on the throne.

So Santa if you soar by the Heavenly skies,

Could you stop and look into our baby’s eyes?

Tell him how much we miss him down here

And how we wish we could hold him near.

And before you leave and fly by the moon,

Leave him this message: “I’ll be there soon!”

I can almost hear from a cloud up above

My son saying “That’s my Mommy that I love.”

❤

11/15/19 - What My Daughter’s Broken Arm Taught Me About Healing

11/15/19 - What My Daughter’s Broken Arm Taught Me About Healing

Today is November 15^th, a day when my husband and I should be celebrating our son’s third birthday but instead our baby is celebrating in Heaven. We are still on this side of Heaven waiting for God’s restoration of this broken world. Three years of ups and downs have taken us through the hard road of loss. I will admit that in many ways I am far from the place that I started in, and that is entirely by God’s gracious and healing hand. God has given me a greater understanding of what healing looks like and recently He showed me an important lesson about healing.


My two year old broke her arm this summer diving off the side of a slide. Why, you ask? Her five year old sister was at the bottom of the slide trying to catch her. Can you say stubborn?  The x-ray revealed that both bones in her right forearm were broken. We were assured the next day at her orthopedist appointment that toddlers heal much faster than adults and that she would be out of a cast in three to four weeks. That was glorious news to us since this incident occurred in the middle of the summer when all our girls wanted to do was swim in our pool.  We remained hopeful that after a month she would be able to take part in all of the fun water activities. (We had also gotten her a unicorn water table for her birthday which was 6 weeks away so it would be great to be able to use that, for goodness sake! And no, they wouldn’t give us a water-proof cast because she was too little for one.)


After 4 weeks in a cast, we visited the orthopedist again. We were told that her arm was in the healing process but was not completed yet. One of the bones was healed, but the other remained cracked at an angle which meant a cast for 3 more weeks. Ugh…cue a visit to Wendy’s restaurant for lunch to ease the disappointment!


Three weeks later, we saw another orthopedist who showed me her latest x-rays. In one position, the bones looked healed. In the other position, the bones were healing at an angle. Her bone had healed and was continuing to grow new bone around the area. The crack that had once been there had morphed into a triangle-shaped peak that had filled in the bone inside. It was thicker, larger, and stronger than it had been before it was broken, albeit a bit curved which they said would eventually heal in a year or so. (I would also like to add that the first thing we did after getting her cast off was go swimming in our pool. This was just a few days before her birthday so that she could enjoy her new unicorn water table.)


What I realized in the midst of this ordeal was that the healing process of loss is not always as you expect or anticipate it will be. Sometimes it is like my daughter’s broken bone. I expected it would heal faster. I thought it would heal to look as it had previously looked. I assumed it would heal in a straight line. I thought her arm would be “perfect” again. But God chose to heal it differently than I imagined. What God taught me was that even if it heals in a different position or a different way than I anticipated, God can make it stronger than it was because my God can literally do anything.


In a similar way, Jesus Christ asked God if He would heal His broken world another way than the cross. This is basis of Jesus’ prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane.  In Matthew 26:39b, Jesus prayed: “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” We know that His Father said no and that Jesus would have to endure the suffering of the cross in order to reconcile the relationship between God and the world. But Jesus still prayed this prayer knowing that He would have to submit to His Father regardless of the answer...and He probably already knew the answer before He spoke the prayer. He had already planned to obey, submit, be humble to God's plan through suffering, sadness, rejection, and pain with which no one else can even fathom or sympathize. 


Our story of sin in the Garden of Eden and all of the brokenness that resulted was redeemed by Jesus Christ after this prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane. The entire world went from being CURSED in Eden to BLESSED on the cross. If the world had never become broken, even though our sin tore God’s heart apart, we would never know God’s amazing power of forgiveness, love, and redemption. I am not trying to downplay the pain and heartache that God and Jesus endured. I am merely stating that God can take something that is so broken and so beyond repair and make it stronger than it could ever have been if it had never been broken.  

So what does my idea of “perfect” look like in comparison to God’s idea of “perfect”? Maybe…just maybe…God’s idea of “perfect” is His healing work in your brokenness which will make the blessings on the other side (even if that means waiting until Heaven) even more sweet and glorious. And maybe God can make you stronger than you previously were if you had never been broken. What could be more perfect than Jesus Christ dying for our sins on the cross? Yet it did not feel perfect physically to Jesus, but spiritually, He knew the wonderful, perfect blessings that stood on the other side of this pain in Heaven. Isaiah 53:5 states: “He (Jesus) was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed.”

 


Wishing the brokenness away would likewise wish away the amazing healing act that God has done. This is the power of the cross – a painful portrait of Jesus’ brokenness for the healing of a sinner like me. And let’s not forget that the best part of Jesus’ death was when He rose again three days later. In the same way, I wouldn’t wish away my little boy in Heaven and the hope of seeing him someday for anything. 

Happy 3^rd Birthday, Kenneth John!

05/10/2019 - When Your Absence Is Most Obvious

Dear Little One,


This time of year always reminds me of your absence.  Your sisters are now 7, 5, and 1.  But all I can think of is 7-5-3-1.  That is how old all of my children should be.  But you are not.  When people ask how old my children are, there is a hesitation.  There should be a 3 year old. However, you are stuck in time, forever my baby, at 3 years old in my heart and in Heaven…but not on earth or in my current version of reality.  You have spent 1,092 days in Heaven, at least from my earthly perspective.  I assume time is measured differently in Heaven though.  I think it is like the saying: “time flies when you are having fun.”  Or maybe it is like when you are with someone you love.  You just do not notice what time it is.  However, Earth is different.  Down here, I count the days that you would have been alive and measure the hours we have missed together.  My best efforts at memories appear one-sided and empty.  In my grief, I see a muddied picture of our love.  I wish that I could have done so many things with you on earth. I think of all of the things you never did, places I wanted to take you, songs I wanted to sing to you, ways I wanted to show my love for you instead of this luggage of grief that I now carry.  I insist to God that my grief would be easier if things had happened differently.  (Here I am bargaining with the Creator of the Universe!)  But honestly, would things be different if I had had a certain amount of days with you?  I struggled with this feeling for quite a while.  I prayed to God to give me peace and comfort in some way, shape, or form.  I could not understand how God could rectify the fact that I never was able to spend one day with you.  I felt cheated in a way which fueled my anger.  I did not get:                 with my child; fill in the blank.  (Here I am trying to bring the focus back to myself and not to the infinite, eternal Ruler of the Universe!) 


ONE DAY, I received my answer from God whose patience with me still astounds me.  The Holy Spirit brought a scripture to mind.  It was Psalm 84:10: “Better is ONE DAY in your courts than a thousand elsewhere.”  That is when it hit me.  Even if I had spent time with you on earth, even if you had been here for 1,092 days, none of it would be able to compare to the glory of Heaven.  I think life would have been good or amazing if…this or if…that.  But that is a lie. This world is cursed by sin.  This world would never be able to give you what you have now: ultimate peace, love, comfort, and eternal rest with our Sovereign God. It would be selfish of me to try to steal you away from such an amazing place in order to bring you to this less than perfect, flawed world. 


Little one, let me tell you what else God has shown me.  A few weeks ago, rain had fallen daily for a full week.  (Wait a second, does rain even fall in Heaven?...I have no idea.)  Nonetheless, I found myself yearning for the sun’s rays of light.  Then, after a week of rain, one evening, the sun came out and a beautiful rainbow arched across the horizon, followed by a beautiful sunset.  Until that moment, I had forgotten that this rainbow is God’s promise that He will never again flood the entire earth as recorded in the Bible’s account of Noah in Genesis.  I realized as I watched that beautiful rainbow that even during times when I cannot see a rainbow, God’s promise still stands.  Even if it is raining.  Even if it is not raining.  Even if I believe it or not.  The promise that God gave us is still real and alive even if I am unable to see it.  The fact that it is visible does not change whether the promise is true.  In the same way, you, little one, are real even if I am unable to see you right now.  You matter and are significant and important to me even if you are not visible.  You are valued and loved by me, but more importantly, you are valued and loved right now by the Almighty King of Kings and Lord of Lords more than I could ever love and value you here on earth.  I need to remember the fact that these truths are always active even when the evidence is not right in front of my face because ONE DAY, I will experience the full depths of God’s truth and promises when I get to Heaven.



I must remember that the “Greater” is coming.  In 2 Corinthians 4:17, the apostle Paul states: “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”  To think of losing you as light and momentary would on the surface appear to trifle my feelings and the value of what I lost, you.  But rather, to believe such a thing would be breath-takingly wonderful!  To think that Heaven will be infinitely better than earth is a comfort.  It shows how utterly amazing and awesome Heaven is going to be and how utterly amazing and awesome God is.  1 Corinthians 2:9 states: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart has imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him."  Likewise, Isaiah 64:4 states: “For since the world began, no ear has heard and no eye has seen a God like you, who works for those who wait for him!”  Our finite minds cannot even comprehend what awaits God’s people, and that ‘waiting’ is faith.  If everything was completely crystal clear, faith would not be necessary.  The very fact that life is messy and our view is muddied forces us to either believe or not believe.  It takes faith to believe something that is not fully clear.  1 Corinthians 13:12 says: “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” I will see God face to face ONE DAY.  I will see you face to face ONE DAY.  All of the Biblical truths that we believe will come to pass ONE DAY.  My faith will be made sight ONE DAY.  Yours already is.  Mine will be there ONE DAY, little one. 

 


                                                    
                                                    Love, Mommy