What I Didn’t Expect
the Day My Rainbow Baby Was Born
My little rainbow baby
is four months old now, and I still can’t believe that God gave us this sweet,
little blessing - Joyelle Moriah.
Joy – for finding
happiness in the midst of a storm
Moriah – for the
mountain on which Abraham was to sacrifice Isaac - because that is how I felt when
we lost our third baby.
Since finding out we were expecting in January 2017, I
couldn’t help but wonder when this pregnancy would end too. It was hard to enjoy any aspect of the
experience as I felt like this child would inevitably be taken away as our last
baby had. People would congratulate me
on the pregnancy, but I felt as if the words passed right through me. I would smile and thank them, but I could
never feel the assurance in my heart that I would be able to hold this child on
earth. I consistently would white-knuckle
the ultrasound table, and I had to remind myself to keep breathing each time
the doctor used the doppler to check for the heartbeat. I couldn’t look at the ultrasound until I
saw the reaction on the technician’s face – waiting to see whether it was good
or bad. I was happy to make it to each
subsequent week but constantly wondered how long until my life would be
shattered again. And then, at 34 weeks,
my water broke.
A Bible verse popped up on my phone that morning, as one
does every morning. As I was lying in
the hospital terrified of what the future held, I saw that the daily verse was
THE verse, the one that used to be so dear to me but instead for the past year
and a half had caused me grief. Romans
8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love
Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Ugh. The
weight of that verse felt heavier that day.
I quickly closed the app and put my phone away. I did not want to think about how this
situation was going to be good for me, how it would mature me, shape my faith
and spiritual walk. I felt the truth in the
C.S. Lewis quote: “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best
for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
The next day, a new verse popped up. It was Philippians 1:6: “being confident of
this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until
the day of Christ Jesus.” I thought “Come
on, God!” This was also a heavy verse for
me over the last year. How could God
start something and not finish it? How
could He make my child and then not let him or her be a part of my life? And would He do it again? Would I have to go through it all over
again? I knew that I will meet my
children in Heaven and possibly this one too.
I knew in my mind that I had to look at my life through God’s
perspective and not my shallow, blind, earthly view. However, it still felt like salt in the wound
to read this verse at such an uncertain time.
My friend and I had just finished reading “The Problem of
Pain” by C.S. Lewis. In it, the most
memorable passage for me spoke about how miracles in our earthly lives are
rare. We all expect it, but it does not
happen often. I could connect with this
principle, not as a pessimist but rather as one who understood the reality of
life. I had taken off my rose-colored
glasses.
I certainly did not expect to have our daughter 5 weeks
early. After Joy was born, we found out
that she almost didn’t survive. Unbeknownst
to us all, my placenta had ruptured, and the umbilical cord was wrapped around
her neck. My doctor said that if she had
stayed in utero until she was full term she would not have made it. At that moment, I knew…thank you, God, for breaking
my water. We didn’t know, but God
knew. If that doesn’t give perspective
and hindsight right there, I don’t know what does. When I heard that, I knew: God had moved a
mountain. I did not expect God to move a
mountain. He certainly did not HAVE to
move it. He is never required to move
our earthly mountains…answer our prayers…but He had. I did not expect God to work in such a big
earthly way for this child.
Then I wondered: How do I reconcile why God moved in such a
big way for this child but not for the last child? Why is the baby I expected to be here…not…and
the one that I did not expect to be here…here?
I could feel the happiness of having this child coupled with the
heartache of not having our third child. It was bittersweet. And I did not expect to cry, and I did…for my
baby in Heaven…for this baby…for what our family could have been…for the
future…for the unknown. I just wanted to
look ahead and know that it would all be okay.
I did not expect to finally see the “good” in Romans 8:28. Yes, God worked in a big way to bring Joy
here to us. And I don’t want to admit
it, but yes, God DID move in a big way for the baby we lost last year –
although it was not how I had expected.
He moved in my spiritual life and by bringing love from family and
friends – new and old. He changed my
attitude and made me realize what is truly important in life. What I once described as “infinite sadness”
God changed that day to “infinite gratefulness.” And of course, He was there with me through every
step of the journey. I thank God for
Joy. I thank God for all of my children
– on Earth and in Heaven. I thank God
for the good that came out of the bad, even when I do not want to admit it. God didn’t have to move this mountain, but He
did. Don’t get me wrong; there is still
sadness in my heart, but there is something more – there is joy.
