Dear Little One,
This time of year always reminds me of your absence. Your sisters are now 7, 5, and 1. But all I can think of is 7-5-3-1. That is how old all of my children should be. But you are not. When people ask how old my children are, there is a hesitation. There should be a 3 year old. However, you are stuck in time, forever my baby, at 3 years old in my heart and in Heaven…but not on earth or in my current version of reality. You have spent 1,092 days in Heaven, at least from my earthly perspective. I assume time is measured differently in Heaven though. I think it is like the saying: “time flies when you are having fun.” Or maybe it is like when you are with someone you love. You just do not notice what time it is. However, Earth is different. Down here, I count the days that you would have been alive and measure the hours we have missed together. My best efforts at memories appear one-sided and empty. In my grief, I see a muddied picture of our love. I wish that I could have done so many things with you on earth. I think of all of the things you never did, places I wanted to take you, songs I wanted to sing to you, ways I wanted to show my love for you instead of this luggage of grief that I now carry. I insist to God that my grief would be easier if things had happened differently. (Here I am bargaining with the Creator of the Universe!) But honestly, would things be different if I had had a certain amount of days with you? I struggled with this feeling for quite a while. I prayed to God to give me peace and comfort in some way, shape, or form. I could not understand how God could rectify the fact that I never was able to spend one day with you. I felt cheated in a way which fueled my anger. I did not get: with my child; fill in the blank. (Here I am trying to bring the focus back to myself and not to the infinite, eternal Ruler of the Universe!)
ONE DAY, I received my answer from God whose patience with me still astounds me. The Holy Spirit brought a scripture to mind. It was Psalm 84:10: “Better is ONE DAY in your courts than a thousand elsewhere.” That is when it hit me. Even if I had spent time with you on earth, even if you had been here for 1,092 days, none of it would be able to compare to the glory of Heaven. I think life would have been good or amazing if…this or if…that. But that is a lie. This world is cursed by sin. This world would never be able to give you what you have now: ultimate peace, love, comfort, and eternal rest with our Sovereign God. It would be selfish of me to try to steal you away from such an amazing place in order to bring you to this less than perfect, flawed world.
Little one, let me tell you what else God has shown me. A few weeks ago, rain had fallen daily for a full week. (Wait a second, does rain even fall in Heaven?...I have no idea.) Nonetheless, I found myself yearning for the sun’s rays of light. Then, after a week of rain, one evening, the sun came out and a beautiful rainbow arched across the horizon, followed by a beautiful sunset. Until that moment, I had forgotten that this rainbow is God’s promise that He will never again flood the entire earth as recorded in the Bible’s account of Noah in Genesis. I realized as I watched that beautiful rainbow that even during times when I cannot see a rainbow, God’s promise still stands. Even if it is raining. Even if it is not raining. Even if I believe it or not. The promise that God gave us is still real and alive even if I am unable to see it. The fact that it is visible does not change whether the promise is true. In the same way, you, little one, are real even if I am unable to see you right now. You matter and are significant and important to me even if you are not visible. You are valued and loved by me, but more importantly, you are valued and loved right now by the Almighty King of Kings and Lord of Lords more than I could ever love and value you here on earth. I need to remember the fact that these truths are always active even when the evidence is not right in front of my face because ONE DAY, I will experience the full depths of God’s truth and promises when I get to Heaven.
I must remember that the “Greater” is coming. In 2 Corinthians 4:17, the apostle Paul states: “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” To think of losing you as light and momentary would on the surface appear to trifle my feelings and the value of what I lost, you. But rather, to believe such a thing would be breath-takingly wonderful! To think that Heaven will be infinitely better than earth is a comfort. It shows how utterly amazing and awesome Heaven is going to be and how utterly amazing and awesome God is. 1 Corinthians 2:9 states: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart has imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him." Likewise, Isaiah 64:4 states: “For since the world began, no ear has heard and no eye has seen a God like you, who works for those who wait for him!” Our finite minds cannot even comprehend what awaits God’s people, and that ‘waiting’ is faith. If everything was completely crystal clear, faith would not be necessary. The very fact that life is messy and our view is muddied forces us to either believe or not believe. It takes faith to believe something that is not fully clear. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says: “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” I will see God face to face ONE DAY. I will see you face to face ONE DAY. All of the Biblical truths that we believe will come to pass ONE DAY. My faith will be made sight ONE DAY. Yours already is. Mine will be there ONE DAY, little one.
Love, Mommy
